To Hug or Not to Hug
That is the question.
Growing up and into my 20s, I felt lucky to be part of a big, close-knit family. I am the youngest of nine, and my older brothers and sisters were married and raising children as I went through middle and high school. We all live in Wisconsin within 3 hours driving distance of each other, so we're lucky. But everyone has their own family, their own busy lives and schedules, and so we are not able to get together very often. We get together for the usual holidays: Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and for the past 20 years we've had a summer weekend together called the Engelke Campout. As of today, we have Mom and Dad, 9 siblings and their spouses, 32 grandkids, 6 spouses of grandkids, 8 great-grandkids, and a fiancee in the family. I think that makes 67 of us! Needless to say, it is a rare occasion for all 67 of us to be in the same place at the same time. Someone is always gone, working, celebrating with their other side of the family, or under military obligation. I honestly can't remember the last time we ALL got together. All 67 of us. (We're hoping to make that happen in August for my parents' 60th wedding anniversary. I've been trying to coordinate a time for everyone to get together for a family photograph...it's been almost a YEAR now in the planning and I STILL haven't nailed everyone down to one time! We have the DAY, but not sure on the time yet. Wish me luck!!)
Okay, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, hugging. My family is not one for much hugging and long good-byes. Sure, we hug on occasion and always when greeting a sibling we haven't seen in a long time or who lives at great distance (always my eldest sister), but for the most part, hugging is only done when two people really feel close in a moment. Because there are so many of us (and so many little kids to run after), good-byes are a wave and a "take care"...and we get in our respective vehicles and drive home. That sounds kind of cold, doesn't it? "See you later" and we're on our way. But if we started hugging whenever we greet and depart from people in our family, it would take an extra two hours and would feel fakey. It just isn't us.
My husband's family, on the other hand, is all over the hugs. It's so funny--they never used to be that way. Maybe it's because as they got older, people realized how much their family members mean to them. Maybe it's the distance--some of Mark's siblings live 2 to 3 hours away from the nucleus. My side of the family's nucleus is larger, older, and closer in proximity. Is that why we don't hug so much? Do we take each other for granted because most of us are within 30 minutes drive-time? Ironically, that does not make my side the one that you see more of. Ask my kids who they see more, and it is the Siegert side, hands-down. We see someone from Mark's family at least once (or more) a week and most weekends out of the year. The Engelke side, much scarcer. Even though we live closer together, we see folks from my side maybe once or twice a month, and then usually through brief encounters at a store or 2-hour visit at the home farm. When we do see each other, the visits are shorter; more people, older kids, more demands on schedules, etc. Sad but true.
I will say this - Mark, who was never a hugger, now hugs more than he ever did. Mark hugs his husband's wives more than he hugs me in a year. That is no lie. We joke about it sometimes, how some of his sisters-in-law introduced the Hugfest to the family. My husband is a man who is very private, not one for PDA's. He uses his hug supply up on his kids and at Siegert family get-togethers! Conversely, I think the only time I hugged my sister's husbands was when they got married. If I hugged Mike or Paul or Arlie now, it would make people think one of two things: 1) Who died? or 2) Who's in the hospital?? It would feel so weird to hug them (no offense guys - I still love ya!)
I can't help but think of the Seinfeld episode where Kramer takes pictures of everyone living in their apartment and writes their first names under them in the lobby. People start calling each other by name and doling out hugs upon greeting each other in the hallways. Jerry is not comfortable with this and soon alienates himself from everybody by being "the guy who doesn't want to hug". That's how I feel sometimes, like Jerry. What's with all the hugging? Whatever happened to personal space?!
I am an emotional person, but I am not a huggy person. I love to get hugs, but only from certain people, and I don't throw them out there for just anyone. To me, a hug is very intimate. For me to feel comfortable in a hug, I need to be sharing a strong emotion of sadness, celebration, or reassurance. It is not taken lightly, and it is not used very often.
By now you're thinking, 'What a _itch.! Slacker Mom is also cold, mean mom who doesn't hug her kids. Was she abused as a child??' In my defense, I do hug my kids. Probably not as much as I should, but I do hug and kiss my children. (And in my parents' defense, there was no child abuse!) Ask my kids and they'll tell you I'm very emotional and transparent with them - I share my thoughts, my ups and downs with them, hugs, kisses, squeezes, pinches, screams, stares, everything. Motherhood to me is about baring it all -- my kids can never accuse me of being distant with them. They get the full range of emotion with me! Good or bad!
But hugging, like I said, is very intimate. I don't want to fake it. It doesn't mean I don't like you or don't feel close to you if I don't want to hug you. I have very close friends in whom I've confided some of my deepest, spiritual thoughts...and we have never hugged. We've laughed and cried, prayed and rejoiced together, but we haven't hugged. I can feel close to them without hugging. We're cool with that.
Does my side of the family take each other for granted? Maybe. Do we need to hug more and say good-bye for an hour like my spouse's side? Perhaps.
There's a guy at our church who stands at the wall with his arms folded during the sharing of the peace/greeting time. You know when you look at him, hands-off. No handshakes or high fives or hugs going on there. A smile, a nod of the head, a few words, and move on. It's like meeting the Soup Nazi. No shake for you! Next!
Okay, so I don't want to be the Hug Nazi, but I don't want to be Huggy Huggleton either. There has to be a balance! I wish we had a way of telling if people wanted to hug or not. Because when one person holds out their arms, you know there's no going back. Nobody wants to be rude and snub a hug.
Another thing that needs to be invented - some sort of Hug Comfort Meter Display.
Have I made enough Seinfeld references yet?
He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? --Micah 6:8 ESV
Growing up and into my 20s, I felt lucky to be part of a big, close-knit family. I am the youngest of nine, and my older brothers and sisters were married and raising children as I went through middle and high school. We all live in Wisconsin within 3 hours driving distance of each other, so we're lucky. But everyone has their own family, their own busy lives and schedules, and so we are not able to get together very often. We get together for the usual holidays: Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and for the past 20 years we've had a summer weekend together called the Engelke Campout. As of today, we have Mom and Dad, 9 siblings and their spouses, 32 grandkids, 6 spouses of grandkids, 8 great-grandkids, and a fiancee in the family. I think that makes 67 of us! Needless to say, it is a rare occasion for all 67 of us to be in the same place at the same time. Someone is always gone, working, celebrating with their other side of the family, or under military obligation. I honestly can't remember the last time we ALL got together. All 67 of us. (We're hoping to make that happen in August for my parents' 60th wedding anniversary. I've been trying to coordinate a time for everyone to get together for a family photograph...it's been almost a YEAR now in the planning and I STILL haven't nailed everyone down to one time! We have the DAY, but not sure on the time yet. Wish me luck!!)
Okay, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, hugging. My family is not one for much hugging and long good-byes. Sure, we hug on occasion and always when greeting a sibling we haven't seen in a long time or who lives at great distance (always my eldest sister), but for the most part, hugging is only done when two people really feel close in a moment. Because there are so many of us (and so many little kids to run after), good-byes are a wave and a "take care"...and we get in our respective vehicles and drive home. That sounds kind of cold, doesn't it? "See you later" and we're on our way. But if we started hugging whenever we greet and depart from people in our family, it would take an extra two hours and would feel fakey. It just isn't us.
My husband's family, on the other hand, is all over the hugs. It's so funny--they never used to be that way. Maybe it's because as they got older, people realized how much their family members mean to them. Maybe it's the distance--some of Mark's siblings live 2 to 3 hours away from the nucleus. My side of the family's nucleus is larger, older, and closer in proximity. Is that why we don't hug so much? Do we take each other for granted because most of us are within 30 minutes drive-time? Ironically, that does not make my side the one that you see more of. Ask my kids who they see more, and it is the Siegert side, hands-down. We see someone from Mark's family at least once (or more) a week and most weekends out of the year. The Engelke side, much scarcer. Even though we live closer together, we see folks from my side maybe once or twice a month, and then usually through brief encounters at a store or 2-hour visit at the home farm. When we do see each other, the visits are shorter; more people, older kids, more demands on schedules, etc. Sad but true.
I will say this - Mark, who was never a hugger, now hugs more than he ever did. Mark hugs his husband's wives more than he hugs me in a year. That is no lie. We joke about it sometimes, how some of his sisters-in-law introduced the Hugfest to the family. My husband is a man who is very private, not one for PDA's. He uses his hug supply up on his kids and at Siegert family get-togethers! Conversely, I think the only time I hugged my sister's husbands was when they got married. If I hugged Mike or Paul or Arlie now, it would make people think one of two things: 1) Who died? or 2) Who's in the hospital?? It would feel so weird to hug them (no offense guys - I still love ya!)
I can't help but think of the Seinfeld episode where Kramer takes pictures of everyone living in their apartment and writes their first names under them in the lobby. People start calling each other by name and doling out hugs upon greeting each other in the hallways. Jerry is not comfortable with this and soon alienates himself from everybody by being "the guy who doesn't want to hug". That's how I feel sometimes, like Jerry. What's with all the hugging? Whatever happened to personal space?!
I am an emotional person, but I am not a huggy person. I love to get hugs, but only from certain people, and I don't throw them out there for just anyone. To me, a hug is very intimate. For me to feel comfortable in a hug, I need to be sharing a strong emotion of sadness, celebration, or reassurance. It is not taken lightly, and it is not used very often.
By now you're thinking, 'What a _itch.! Slacker Mom is also cold, mean mom who doesn't hug her kids. Was she abused as a child??' In my defense, I do hug my kids. Probably not as much as I should, but I do hug and kiss my children. (And in my parents' defense, there was no child abuse!) Ask my kids and they'll tell you I'm very emotional and transparent with them - I share my thoughts, my ups and downs with them, hugs, kisses, squeezes, pinches, screams, stares, everything. Motherhood to me is about baring it all -- my kids can never accuse me of being distant with them. They get the full range of emotion with me! Good or bad!
But hugging, like I said, is very intimate. I don't want to fake it. It doesn't mean I don't like you or don't feel close to you if I don't want to hug you. I have very close friends in whom I've confided some of my deepest, spiritual thoughts...and we have never hugged. We've laughed and cried, prayed and rejoiced together, but we haven't hugged. I can feel close to them without hugging. We're cool with that.
Does my side of the family take each other for granted? Maybe. Do we need to hug more and say good-bye for an hour like my spouse's side? Perhaps.
There's a guy at our church who stands at the wall with his arms folded during the sharing of the peace/greeting time. You know when you look at him, hands-off. No handshakes or high fives or hugs going on there. A smile, a nod of the head, a few words, and move on. It's like meeting the Soup Nazi. No shake for you! Next!
Okay, so I don't want to be the Hug Nazi, but I don't want to be Huggy Huggleton either. There has to be a balance! I wish we had a way of telling if people wanted to hug or not. Because when one person holds out their arms, you know there's no going back. Nobody wants to be rude and snub a hug.
Another thing that needs to be invented - some sort of Hug Comfort Meter Display.
Have I made enough Seinfeld references yet?
He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? --Micah 6:8 ESV
posted by Amy Siegert | 7:11 AM
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